youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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