I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Randomize
