I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
