Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
