I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
