Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
