At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
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