There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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