Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
