Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
i will never coherently bang her
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
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