This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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