A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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