What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
