explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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