omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
