sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
