just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
