Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize