biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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