I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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