I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize