My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
