you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Randomize
