And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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