I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
