tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
