I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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