So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I just had sex on a roof
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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