you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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