when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize