How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
