my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
