It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
the condom got lost in my hair
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
