She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
He shit in the fireplace
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