sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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