i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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