thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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