We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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