The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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