I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
im about as happy as oj after his trial
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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