he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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