He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
