I wish I could teleport
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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