My liver just broke up with me...
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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