It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Randomize
