and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
