last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Randomize
