if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Randomize
