My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
