Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
