this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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