we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
