Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
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