just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
