one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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