last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Randomize
