Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Well I just put wine in my tea
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
