my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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