Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
