This girl is more easily done than said...
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
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