I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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