I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I fill condoms, not promises.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
and you fell through a lawn chair
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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