Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Randomize
