you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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