omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
