well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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