Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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