remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
