i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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