look no pants
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Every concussion has its silver lining
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
